I woke to the sound of footsteps coming down the stone stairs. The holding cell was dimly lit by torches lining the walls, casting flickering shadows behind the two men who now stood in front of the open cell door. I roused myself from sleep, groaning at the stiffness in my neck and shoulders. Sleeping on a wooden bench wasn’t nearly as comfortable as it had felt earlier.
“Here,” Tobirama said as he held out a platter of what smelled like food.
I sat up on the bench as he placed it beside me, mouth watering at the sight of steaming hot rice and curry. I had dabbled in making curry once upon a time, but this looked far better than anything my own amateur cooking skills could have prepared.
“Thank you,” I said softly, looking back up at him. He seemed to deliberate for a moment before speaking again.
"Madara explained the situation to me while we were preparing," Tobirama said.
I glanced up to find that Madara was pointedly looking in the opposite direction. Tobirama looked down at me from the corner of his eye.
"You’ll attend a conference with Hashirama present after we’ve settled this affair."
"Sure thing. Not like I’ve got a busy schedule," I muttered under my breath.
I picked up the tray of food and set it on my lap, taking the wooden spoon next to it to start digging in.
“So what kind of preparation have you done so far?” I asked, taking my first bite.
It was surprisingly good, if a bit spicier than I had anticipated. I was expecting something a little more bland considering I was still essentially a prisoner under supervision, but maybe my tragically white taste buds simply weren’t adequately attuned to what was considered good or sub-par by Japanese standards. Either way, I realised then just how starving I was. I tried not to scarf it all down at once like a deranged madman.
“We’ve mapped out the quickest route to Mountains’ Graveyard,” Tobirama said. “We won’t need to cross into any of the other nations, but that doesn’t guarantee safe passage. Rogues and bandits thrive in no man’s land. We’ll have to take precautions. Which is why…”
Tobirama retreated from inside the cell, promptly closing and locking the door with me still inside. My eyes widened and I quickly set aside the tray of food to jump up and run to the door, grasping at the wooden bars.
“...You’re not coming,” he finished.
“What?! You’re just gonna leave me here?” I all but wailed. “But I—”
“You are a liability,” Madara chimed in, stepping closer to face me. “You’re not a shinobi. The majority of our civilians could likely take you down in a fight. We’ll have enough trouble getting there without having to keep an eye on you the entire time and make sure you don’t get yourself killed.”
“We will look into this cave you mentioned for any signs of the so-called Zetsu,” Tobirama continued. “If we find anything, we will deal with it swiftly so as to eliminate any threat they could pose. You’re safer here. When we return, we’ll hold the conference with Hashirama so that you can warn us of any other potential catastrophes in greater detail.”
I baulked at what they were saying. Here I was, handing out world-changing knowledge against my own better judgement and inciting a mission that would (hopefully) save the world of the future, and I wasn’t even allowed to go on the adventure? What the hell was the point of getting sent here if I didn’t get to live out some badass power fantasy that would more than likely result in the death that I craved? This was such bullshit.
Tobirama took his leave then, ordering Madara to come along so that they could gather their supplies for the journey. Madara ignored him, of course, waiting until he had ascended the stairs leading above ground before turning back to me with a look that almost bordered on...sympathy.
“I know this isn’t what you were hoping for, but it’s better this way,” he said. “If you’re right about this, then we’ll have tangible proof that you possess knowledge that could greatly change our paths for the future. You’re more valuable to us alive than dead. You’ll be better off here.”
“...So what, I’m just supposed to stay in this dingy prison until you two get back?” I asked, hands slipping from the bars as I stepped back, eyes falling to the ground.
“I...may or may not have taken the liberty of suggesting to Hashirama that you might benefit from more...civilised arrangements,” Madara said, glancing away. “He resolved to observe you further before making a decision. You’re still a wild card we don’t know that we can trust yet, after all. He’ll come to check on you shortly after we depart.”
“...Okay.”
I sighed as I slowly turned to go back to the bench, sitting down heavily next to the platter of half-finished food. I suddenly wasn’t that hungry anymore. As Madara moved to take his leave next, though, I lifted my head.
“Hey.” He stopped and glanced back at me questioningly. “...Be careful. Zetsu—the black one—he’s dangerous. He might try to...possess you or something. Or Tobirama. If he gets a hold of you, he might force you to do something you’ll regret. I know you guys hate each other, but...try to watch each other’s backs, okay?”
He was silent for a moment as he considered my words before eventually nodding.
“Thank you for the heads up. Rest assured that we will take every precaution.”
And with that, he left. I couldn’t help the uneasy feeling that something about this was wrong. You know, apart from literally everything else that was fucked up about this situation. I still couldn’t comprehend how I had gotten here, why I was here, let alone why this specific point in the timeline. It was all so...bizarre.
Why me? Why now? I was anything but useful. Hell, they didn’t even deem it necessary to bring me along because of how obviously weak I was. All I had was my knowledge and even that was faulty at best. I wasn’t some strategic genius who could contrive the necessary steps to lead to the best possible outcome for this world. I wasn’t even sure that telling Madara and Tobirama about Zetsu was a good idea.
For all I knew, it could bring about a total collapse of the timeline and it would all be my fault. And what if I were trapped here forever? What if this were supposed to be some sort of prophetic second chance bestowed upon me by a guardian angel to warn against my own suicide and I just fucked it all up? What if I died here and suddenly found myself in yet another universe, another timeline, and it never ended? Was I cursed? Was this all there was for me in the afterlife?
...Well, at least I knew my depression still hadn’t gotten any better. Whoopie for me.
Sometime later (I didn’t know how long I had just sat there and stared blindly ahead while I wallowed away in my own thoughts), I heard the sound of footsteps descending the stairs again. I lifted my head from where it rested against the wall behind the bench, the rice and curry left untouched where I had put it down before. The one who had come to greet me this time was the big man himself, Hashirama Senju. Man, I hated this guy.
“Hey there! How are you holding up?” he asked cheerfully, pulling up a chair to sit in front of the cell in all his regal eminence and fancy robes and whatnot. I willed myself not to roll my eyes.
“How do you think? I’m trapped in a cell like a rat for having the audacity to exist,” I answered. “Not that it was my intention. If things had gone according to plan, I would be—”
“Dead. I remember,” he cut in. This time I did roll my eyes, but I tried to hide it by looking away. “I am sorry for this. You seem to be going through a lot right now. I hope you can understand that this is all just temporary until we can make sure you’re not a threat to our village. Personally, I don’t think you are. I have something of a sixth sense for that, you know. When I look at you, I can tell you mean us no harm. Still, though…”
“You just have to be sure,” I finished for him. “I get it. I don’t need to hear the whole spiel again.”
I wrapped my arms around myself, gaze downcast. He could try to comfort me with his sugary words and reassurances all damn day, but that didn’t change how utterly horrid it felt to be down here, in this place. Most of all I was scared of being left alone. Everything was so...quiet. Total, complete silence was not something I was used to. My own racing thoughts notwithstanding, there had always been someone there, some distant chatter, anything, but now I was just…
Alone.
“...I know how badly you wanted to go on that mission,” Hashirama noted after a moment of that dreadful silence. I glanced up reluctantly. “You seemed really excited about it. I couldn’t believe it when I found out they were going to leave you here. With those two around, you wouldn’t have anything to worry about! They’re two of the strongest people I know. But a part of me is glad they’re doing this on their own. They could use some good quality time together, just the two of them, to work through their differences, you know?”
“You’re not worried one of them is gonna end up killing the other?” I asked, arching a disbelieving eyebrow. Hashirama laughed. What an obnoxious sound.
“Not at all! They might not see eye-to-eye on a lot of things, especially with their history, but they would never go that far,” he said. “They know how much they both mean to me, and how devastated I would be if something like that were to happen. Not to sound full of myself, of course—”
Too late for that.
“—But that’s just how things work between us. It’s a delicate balance, certainly, but not one so easily tipped. I’m sure you’ll see that for yourself sooner or later.”
“No offence, but I’ve already seen quite a bit, and it wasn’t pretty,” I said. “But...I’m kinda hoping things will be different this time. Not just for them, but for everyone. Everything. That mission they’re on is gonna change the whole world. ...I don’t know what’ll happen from now on. I don’t know if it’ll matter. I doubt I’ll stick around long enough to find out.”
“How do you mean?” Hashirama asked, brows furrowed.
I looked at him for a moment before averting my gaze, lips pursed.
“...S’not like I’m gonna last long here. If I don’t get killed in some stupidly cliche way, I’ll probably just find another way to kill myself. Not that I have any fuckin’ idea what’ll happen to me then. Everything’s just a gamble at this point, and that just makes it all seem so...meaningless.”
Wow. I really did not mean to get that heavy just then. I drew up my knees onto the bench to hold them against my chest, resting my chin between them. I felt like crying again, but like hell I was going to let that happen in front of Hashirama of all people.
“...Do you really think you would be better off dead?” he asked then, voice softer this time. I didn’t look up at him. “Well, if you ask me, I’d say you have a lot more to live for. This is a whole new world for you, after all. You might know what happens—or at least, what happens in one timeline—but you said it yourself: everything is going to change. And isn’t it worth sticking around to find out how?”
Oh, how I despised the supremely optimistic. They were always trying to make sense of things and spout a bunch of bullshit about hopes and dreams. As if. The only reason I even lasted as long as I did before was from pure spite. After a while, though, I lost the drive. Even my hatred for the world wasn’t enough to sustain me. I had hit the lowest point of my life, and just when I thought it was all going to fade away into blissful nothingness, I ended up here. Because when life gives you lemons, it makes sure to squeeze them directly into your fucking eyeballs first.
“...Can you leave? I’m tired,” I said instead of answering Hashirama’s question.
“Weren’t you just taking a nap earlier?”
“I said I’m tired,” I repeated.
Hashirama appeared to shrink into himself at my tone of voice, which I found decidedly pathetic, but at least he finally took the hint and got up. As he dragged the chair back to its rightful place, he turned to face my cell again, hesitating. I quite literally wanted to scream at the idea of humouring any further conversation with this oaf.
Instead of trying to depart with some unsolicited words of subjective wisdom, though, Hashirama actually seemed to think better of it and then turned back to leave the dungeon. I let out a long sigh once he was gone, feeling my breath shudder on the exhale as I tightened my arms around myself.
The silence was deafening, but it was so much better than listening to someone try to convince me of something I’d been chasing for years to no avail. I didn’t want to be lectured about how precious life was and how I should strive to make it worthwhile when every single heartfelt attempt at doing just that had ended in the same misery and despair as it always did. Contrary to popular belief, not everyone was worth saving. Not everyone wanted to be saved.
...Maybe that was wrong, though. Maybe some part of me did want to be saved, whisked away from the despairing monotony of what I’d come to know as life. Maybe it was just a matter of accepting it and letting it happen. Who knew? Like I said, everything was just a gamble now. Nothing was certain anymore, not even death itself. I had to wonder if I would ever figure out how I got here, or what was responsible for it. I was still half-convinced this wasn’t real. How could it be? This was all so insane.
All I could do was take it one step at a time and hope for the best.
The next day, Hashirama saw fit to bring me new clothes with the intention of taking me out on a tour of the budding village of Konohagakure. I was grateful that the clothes were at least seemingly unisex—a simple black yukata along with a shirt and pants. I hesitated before leaving with him, though, pursing my lips as I looked down at myself. I reluctantly asked if he knew where to find binding wraps for my chest. I knew it was one of the worst things to wear, but it wasn’t as if proper binders had been invented in this era.
Hashirama was surprisingly understanding and said he would return with what he could find. And some time later, he did, prattling off about how he knew just where to look for that sort of thing because a cousin of his was the same as I was. A transgender man, in proper terms, though he described it differently, but that wasn’t entirely shocking.
At any rate, once I figured out how to secure the wraps around my chest and was satisfied with how I looked, I followed him out of the underground holding facility and out into the throngs of bustling foot traffic within the village proper.
It was exceptionally different from what I was used to seeing, not only due to the dizzying new perspective of actually being there, but also because the architecture had yet to develop into the familiar modern-day village. It was all very rustic and sort of cobbled together as if the sparse buildings were all erected in a hurry, which they undoubtedly were. Even so, there were still plenty of people meandering around, going about their shopping or talking with each other. It was certainly a culture shock if nothing else, especially considering the economic climate I had left behind in my previous life.
Hashirama was all too eager to point out every little thing, rattling off an anecdote about each place. It seemed that he’d had a personal hand in most, if not all, of the businesses and residences here, which didn’t come as much of a surprise. Being the renowned Mokuton specialist, it was no wonder that he exercised that ability to create the base foundation of the entire village.
He appeared to have had a route in mind for the tour, stopping at shops and vendors every so often to purchase a bag or two of food and other supplies. Was he just using this as an excuse to drag along some company to do his grocery shopping? Well, didn’t that just make me feel special.
Eventually, however, we strayed from the shopping district and came to the entrance of a walled-off sector of the village. There was a distinct red and white insignia etched into the gateway and I immediately felt a sense of unease wash over me. I couldn’t help but feel as if I were walking into a graveyard despite the fact that the Uchiha District was more than alive and well at this point in time.
Hashirama was greeted with reverence by almost everyone we passed, save for the occasional steely glare from those who chose to keep their distance. Frankly I was surprised his presence was met with an ounce of excitement or pleasantry. He was responsible for a number of Uchiha deaths, or so I assumed. He might carry himself as a symbol of peace and love now, but even he had to draw blood before the village was founded. Then again, it was primarily due to pressure from the majority of the Uchiha clan that the treaty was even forged in the first place. Something something Stockholm Syndrome, I guess.
After exchanging a number of greetings and pausing for brief chats, Hashirama led me to a rather important looking house. Judging by the size and style of it, I could only assume it belonged to the head honcho himself. A part of me wondered how he could just waltz inside so casually, but then I remembered who he was and the confusion subsided. Of course he would be on such close terms with Madara that they could freely enter each other’s homes uninvited at any time.
“...Why are we here?” I asked once we were secluded from the bustling noise outside.
Hashirama had led us into the kitchen where he had begun to deposit the bags of groceries he’d picked up along the way.
“Hm? Oh, I thought I’d treat you to a meal while we’re out,” he said without sparing a second thought to it. I furrowed my brows.
“You’re going to cook?” I asked.
That was an...unsettling thought, so much so that it had me shifting uncomfortably where I stood.
“That was the idea,” he responded without batting an eyelash. “Go on, take a seat. It won’t take me long to throw something together.”
I did as he instructed, if only because all that walking had winded me a bit. Yeah, I wasn’t in the best shape and probably would have started begging to come back not even a couple hours into the trip to Mountains’ Graveyard, but that was besides the point.
“That’s...fine, I guess, but why here? Isn’t this…” I gestured vaguely around the room we were in.
“Madara’s house? Yes, it is. I thought it would be a good idea to take you here since this is where you’ll be staying soon enough.”
My eyes widened so quickly they started watering a bit, resulting in a rapid series of blinks.
“I’m sorry, what?”
This was certainly news to me.
“He didn’t tell you?” Hashirama asked over his shoulder as he laid out his ingredients.
I couldn’t tell what kind of meal he had planned just by looking at what he had spread out on the counter before him, but there was no shortage of vegetables. Ugh.
“That’s odd. You’d think he’d mention something like that.”
“...He said something about more ‘civilised’ arrangements. I didn’t realise this is what he meant,” I told him.
Why would Madara offer to board me in his own home? Wasn’t he still wary about how dangerous I could be or something? Why did he trust me to live amoung his own clansmen that had already seen so much suffering and were no doubt on high alert around strangers invading their home? Wouldn’t it have made more sense to put me in the Senju compound with a clan that was already used to mingling with outsiders?
“Cryptic as always. I guess he was just embarrassed,” Hashirama said as he began to cut the vegetables. “I suppose you might already know he’s not the most… Ah, how do I put this? He’s not the most open person out there. He seems really fascinated by you, though, if you ask me.”
I blinked at that.
“Well, yeah,” I said. “I’m probably the most alien thing you people have ever come across, not to toot my own horn. It’s not every day some random guy plummets out of the sky and starts spouting off about the future and deadly threats to the sanctity of the world.”
Hashirama barked out a hearty laugh, a deep, full sound that came straight from his chest. I wondered what it must have been like to be able to laugh so freely and openly.
“You got that right! You’ve certainly thrown us all for a loop. In a good way, though, I think. From the sounds of it, this mission they’re going on is for the greater good of everyone—not just us, but future generations as well. It’s really admirable of you to give us the chance to make that change.”
I hesitated to respond to that. Was it really admirable? No, of course not. It was reckless and probably a horrible decision in the long run. It all sounded well and good in theory, but as I said before, there was no telling how any of this would affect the timeline. Hell, I couldn’t even be sure that this timeline was even on track to follow canon that closely before I showed up. There were infinite ways this could all blow up in our faces. Or, more likely, the faces of those that would come after.
It was a little maddening to know that, no matter what happened, I wouldn’t be around long enough to see how it all unfolded later down the road. Even if I did somehow manage to live to old age here, it wouldn’t be long enough to watch the events of the main timeline transpire. Hiruzen was already ancient by the time things really started happening, and he would only be just a kid by now.
“Why do you believe me?” I asked instead of voicing any of those thoughts. “What makes you think I’ve been telling the truth about anything? What have I done to prove that I can be trusted?”
After all, for all he knew, I had only fabricated this whole story to lure away two of the strongest shinobi in the village to leave it vulnerable for an attack or something of the like. Hashirama paused to hum in thought, lifting his head from chopping up veggies to gaze out the window in front of him. The light that trickled in warmed his face and glinted in his eyes as if it were reacting directly to the thoughts in his mind. He had the faint shape of a smile on his face, not quite taking over his expression, but noticeable nonetheless.
Something about the look he wore seemed so surreal, like he wasn’t really there, little more than a mirage. It was only when he turned to glance over at me that I suddenly became aware of the heat in my own face, averting my gaze to stare down at the grain on the table instead.
“That’s a good question, I suppose,” he began, “but the answer is pretty simple. Do you remember when I mentioned that sixth sense of mine? It’s not just a hunch, you know. It’s a...feeling, yes, but it’s deeper than that. You’re not a bad person, Ma-ra-kai. You have good inside you, even if you don’t see it yourself. I don’t think you’re capable of being evil.”
You’re wrong, I wanted to blurt out. I very nearly did, had I not bitten down on my tongue just in time. He didn’t know about my past lives, what I was capable of under the right circumstances. He didn’t know what kind of blood was on my hands. He didn’t know anything about me, so why was he so insistent that I was such a “good person”? His view of the world was so skewed it was almost laughable, were it not for how concerning it was.
“But that doesn’t mean anything,” I said. “You can think someone is good all you want—that doesn’t mean they are. How can you be so sure that—”
“There’s also the fact that Madara admitted to his plans,” Hashirama interrupted as he resumed his meal preparation.
The words died in my throat, my mouth hanging open as I stared at him. He what?
“He was pretty shaken after what you told him about his future. And how could you know unless you’re telling the truth about where you came from?”
I didn’t say anything for a long time, stunned into silence. I...hadn’t expected Madara to come clean to Hashirama about everything just like that. Did he tell Tobirama, too? How did he react? Poorly, if I had to guess, but even so they still left on that mission together… Was this really all it took? Did Madara really only need one voice of reason to convince him that his plan was ill-conceived? It seemed far too easy, but then...maybe some part of him had always known something about it was wrong. Maybe all he needed was someone who could tell him exactly how wrong. It probably helped that he hadn’t been under Zetsu’s influence yet, apart from the alterations made to the stone tablet.
Rather than engage in any more mentally exhausting conversation, I sat quietly and picked at my fingers while Hashirama continued to prepare the meal he was making. It was tiring enough to spend every waking moment parsing the implausibility of my current reality.
Up until now I had allowed my emotions to direct my words and actions. Panic, disbelief, anger, confusion, grief—all these feelings culminated in my body like a constant, buzzing drone that made me want to scratch it out of my bones. It occurred to me, then, that what I really craved was a goddamn cigarette, followed by the harrowing realisation that nicotine products likely weren’t readily available anywhere around here.
Well, if there were ever a good time to quit…
Slowly but surely, the aroma of food filled the room and I found myself anticipating whatever it was that Hashirama was cooking. I watched as he steamed rice, grilled fish, and chopped up vegetables to boil or put into a soupy broth. Soon enough he had plated everything and I was presented with a whole spread of food that…didn’t look that bad, to be honest. I’d had my doubts about Hashirama’s ability to cook, but it seemed I was proven wrong.
“...Thank you,” I muttered as I began to eat. Hashirama smiled and sat across from me at the small table that occupied the room adjacent to the kitchen, serving himself a portion of the food.
Madara’s house was more quaint than I had imagined it to be for the head of such a prestigious clan, but I surmised that must be due in part to how new the village still was. That, or Madara simply wasn’t one for needless grandeur, which made sense now that I thought about it. The walls were mostly bare, save for a few scrolls I couldn’t read hanging here and there, and there wasn’t much furniture to speak of. In fact, the whole place seemed scarcely lived in at all. How much time did Madara actually spend here?
“What’s on your mind?” Hashirama asked, the abrupt question making me jump a little.
I looked over at him, realising I had zoned out a little. Pursing my lips, I lowered my gaze back to the food in front of me, idly twirling a bowl of boiled spinach with the pair of chopsticks Hashirama provided.
“...Is it really okay for me to stay here?” I asked finally. “I know you all want to keep a close eye on me, but…won’t the Uchiha get suspicious of their leader housing a stranger? And also…I’m not really familiar with a lot of your cultural customs. If I offend someone here, it could cause problems.”
“Now you’re worried about offending someone?” Hashirama chuckled while a pout formed on my face.
“This is different,” I pointed out. “I didn’t know what was happening at first. I’m still trying to figure it out, but I don’t want to cause a whole upset just because I don’t know how to act right around here. Wouldn’t it be better if I stayed with your clan? The Senju are more open to…diversity, aren’t they?”
Hashirama paused at that and hummed in thought, raising a hand to stroke his chin.
“I get what you’re saying, but you should know that we don’t have a compound like the Uchiha do here,” he explained. I furrowed my brows.
“You don’t?”
“No. Like you said, I guess we’re more open-minded about things, so my brethren live all around the village. I agreed to place you here because I thought it would be the safest place for you. The Hyuga would never let an outsider live within their walls, and the Nara like to keep to themselves… There’s the Sarutobi clan, but they’re also pretty scattered. I fear the Yamanaka would try to pick your brain too much for your comfort…”
I didn’t realise how much thought he had already put into his decision. If it were about protection and comfort, then the compound of a clan who supposedly kept their noses to themselves and weren’t overly elitist was certainly the best choice. Given Hashirama’s depiction of the Hyuga clan, I must have misjudged the Uchiha’s willingness to grow beyond themselves. Of course, something like that was hard to gauge when the primary source of insight I had on them came from the single-minded sociopath who lived and breathed for vengeance for the vast majority of his life. Sasuke Uchiha likely wasn’t the best example to represent his clan.
“I guess this is fine then…” I conceded, picking up a piece of fish to chew on. “Hey, has Tobirama built the Academy yet?”
Hashirama promptly choked on a bite of spinach, taking a few moments to clear his lungs before he could speak again.
“Sorry, sorry. It’s going to take some time to get used to your…clairvoyance,” he said, trying for a laugh despite how clearly unsettled he was. “The Ninja Academy is still a work in progress. We haven’t started building yet since we’re still laying the foundation for everything else, but Tobirama and I agree that it will be a necessity if we want to ensure the safety of the village.” He paused then, eyeing me curiously. “...Are we correct in that assumption?”
“Oh, definitely,” I said with a nod. “I mean, there is a certain nuance to consider when it comes to what amounts to creating child soldiers, but I do think it’s important for those who are capable to learn how to fight and defend themselves. It’s not your fault that they end up getting dragged to war.”
I continued to pick at the food in front of me. The concept of the Ninja Academy was a controversial one, but the morbid results it produced—or rather, would produce—were purely circumstantial. The people of this world possessed a power that needed to be controlled by those who wielded it, even if those skills were eventually called upon in times of war. It didn’t occur to me that what I had just said was perhaps a little astonishing to the unaware until I glanced up to find Hashirama staring at me with a stricken expression.
“War?” he asked quietly. “With other villages? But— This was supposed to put an end to that. Konohagakure was supposed to be a symbol of the peace we could achieve by living together in harmony instead of fighting for power and territory and resources. How could this be…? How do I stop it?”
I pressed my lips together, hesitating. I really needed to learn to start holding my tongue. Everything I said could have a catastrophic butterfly effect on the world around me. I had to choose my next words carefully.
“To be honest…I’m not sure you can stop it,” I admitted, “but there might be a way for you to limit the casualties and maybe…”
“How?” Hashirama pressed. “Please, tell me how.”
I took a deep breath.
“The Tailed Beasts. You may have already started tracking them down, but…”
Whatever I said next could change everything. Perhaps stopping Madara’s Infinite Tsukuyomi plan wouldn’t have such a significant impact beyond hopefully ensuring the survival of the Uchiha clan and sparing the future generations of so much loss and misery, but this…this could go either way. If I told Hashirama to leave the Tailed Beasts alone now, to avoid sealing them inside people to create jinchuriki, would Konohagakure continue to prosper, or would they be left defenceless if other villages took the initiative to capture them instead?
If I didn’t warn him against it now, wouldn’t that make me responsible for what would happen to Naruto? Would Kurama still attack the village if they never pursued him in the first place? If Naruto never became a jinchuriki at all, what kind of story would unfold in his generation?
There were so many questions that I couldn’t answer. I wasn’t omniscient. My knowledge of the future of this world was only accurate to the point that events unfolded the way they were meant to. Even now I couldn’t be sure that anything would be the same after Madara and Tobirama returned from their mission. If they returned…
“Ma-ra-kai?” Hashirama asked, drawing my gaze back to him.
If you’re going to hit it, hit it until it breaks.
I jolted where I sat as the echo of a voice drifted to the forefront of my mind. Was that…? Or was it just a memory? The meaning behind the words was clear enough at any rate: I had already started making waves, so I might as well ride the tide. There was no stopping everything from changing now anyway. I could at least try to change it for the better.
“...Don’t try to capture the Tailed Beasts,” I said, finally. “They’re not yours to control. They’re not monsters. They have a purpose for being here and you don’t have to force them to follow you. You can talk to them, reason with them. They’ll fight for you if you give them a reason to. You protect them, they protect you. As long as the Tailed Beasts live freely, there will be no jinchuriki and nobody will be able to nuke other villages with a living weapon.”
I had a feeling that some parts of what I’d said were lost on Hashirama for he had yet to even conceive of jinchuriki, but my words seemed to resonate with him all the same. He looked more serious and contemplative now than I thought was possible.
“You’re saying we should befriend the Tailed Beasts instead of subdue them,” he summarised. “And this will better our odds if and when war breaks out?”
I nodded.
“Like I said, I don’t know for sure if there’s any stopping it, but an alliance with them is more beneficial in the long run than enslaving them and ruining the lives of those who have to carry the burden.”
“What do you mean by that?” he asked. “Ruining their lives? I understand what you mean by respecting the Tailed Beasts, but wouldn’t it be an honour to serve one’s village with that kind of power?”
“You’d be surprised,” I told him. “In the canon—er, in the ‘original’ timeline, jinchuriki were shunned as monsters themselves, or they were only seen as weapons and not people. There was no honour in that kind of life. Just pain.”
I had never cared much for Naruto’s character on a personal level, but anyone could sympathise with the struggles he endured not only as an orphan, but someone who was branded a monster despite being the vessel that saved his people by the sacrifices of his mother and father. They were seen as the true heroes, and Naruto was seen as the unfortunate byproduct of their deaths. It was unfair and unjust. Perhaps, this way, he could lead a better, if duller life. Who knew? Maybe he would still find ways to get himself into a world of trouble. Maybe he would end up like Menma. It was impossible to tell.
“Well, that settles it then,” Hashirama said. “I’ll do as you ask and extend an olive branch to the Tailed Beasts. We have been tracking one, as you speculated. He is called Son Goku, the Four-Tails. He’s been…difficult to pin down, to say the least. Perhaps he’ll be open to negotiation on more peaceful terms.”
“Yeah… Just be careful with him,” I warned. “From what I remember, he’s very prideful. You might be able to get away with a more casual approach with some of the others, but it’s probably best if you show him a little more respect. Maybe even bring a gift?”
Hashirama chuckled at that.
“A gift, huh? That’s not a bad idea, especially if what you say is true,” he mused. “If we’re to forge an alliance with these creatures, I surely want them to feel respected. Perhaps…you could come along with me when I go to meet with them. I could certainly benefit from your wisdom to tailor my approach.”
I stared at Hashirama, mouth agape. Go along with him? To negotiate with the Tailed Beasts? Was that even a good idea? Loathe as I was to admit it, Tobirama and Madara had good reason to leave me here; I was no shinobi and I had no means to fight or defend myself if it came down to it. Hell, I wouldn’t even be able to leap through trees or maintain my stamina while running if we wanted to get anywhere fast. Which was why…
“I would love to,” I began, “but under one condition.”
Hashirama raised a brow at me, but the curl of his lips seemed intrigued nonetheless.
“Someone will have to teach me how to use chakra…if I even have any.”
“Is that all?” Hashirama laughed and clapped his hands together. “Well, I’m sure we can arrange something! Is that why you were asking about the Ninja Academy? You want to become a shinobi?”
My brow twitched and I glanced away.
“When you put it like that, it sounds kinda nerdy…but yeah, I guess. I still don’t know why I was brought here, but if I can speak and understand your language, there must be other things I can do here, too. Even if I can’t use chakra, I could at least learn how to fight and use a weapon. That way I won’t be completely useless.”
“Nonsense! You’re not useless at all,” Hashirama assured. “You have invaluable knowledge and a unique insight to ways we can better prepare for the future. Whether you’re fighting or advising, you have a noble purpose. I don’t need a sixth sense to see that.”
God, his smile was blinding. I still wasn’t sure how I felt about Hashirama, but…he wasn’t so bad, I guess. At least his cooking was good.
“Alright, I guess we have a plan! You finish up here and I’ll have some supplies delivered to make your stay here more comfortable,” Hashirama said as he stood.
I noticed then that he had somehow cleaned his plates and bowls while we were talking while I had still barely touched my own food. How did he do that?
“I’ll also be asking around to find someone willing to help train you. We need to start vetting candidates for the Ninja Academy, anyway! In the meantime, feel free to go out and get to know everyone. You can learn a lot just by talking to people, you know?”
With a knowing smile, Hashirama bowed his head and excused himself, leaving me alone in Madara’s house. I supposed that must have been Hashirama’s way of “observing” me to see if I were fit to leave the holding cells unsupervised, but now I felt at a loss. Go out and talk to people? My social anxiety willed against it, but…maybe he had a point. Actually, I knew he had a point, but the problem was figuring out where to start. I wasn’t exactly the most well-versed in social interactions. Starting a conversation with a stranger, let alone a stranger whose social culture was unknown to me, might as well have been an impossible feat. What was I supposed to say? Who was I supposed to talk to? How would I know when to bow or how low to bow or what honourifics to use or when to end the conversation altogether?
Ugh. I never realised how difficult navigating society would be without the anonymity of technology. I was born in the right era, actually, even if it still had its own problems.
I forced myself to finish the food in front of me. It would have been rude not to eat what Hashirama had prepared and, if I wanted to commit to learning how to fight, I would need to adopt a much healthier diet than what I’d been living off of before…well, you know. I would also need to learn a lot more physical discipline. I was doubtful that I would be able to achieve much in my current state, given the fact that I was years behind on when most people in this world would have begun their training, but I would give it my best shot. Maybe it would replace the yearning for a phone in my hand or a computer to stare at. Now that was going to be a struggle to leave behind. I would also need to learn how to read and write in Japanese at some point…
Because I wasn’t quite ready to abandon my procrastinating ways, I busied myself with cleaning up the kitchen before I resolved to leave the privacy of Madara’s home. Household chores were never my favourite thing in the world, but I found that doing them for other people was slightly more tolerable. Besides, if I were going to be living here, I needed to pull my own weight. After that, I finally stepped outside, lingering on the front deck of the house as I took in the sight of the Uchiha District.
People were wandering about, chatting with one another, washing clothes, carrying baskets of freshly harvested vegetables. Walking amoung them made me self-conscious, knowing how outlandish I must have looked with my pale skin and bleached hair. The term White Devil came to mind and I shrank further into myself. These people certainly looked at me as though I had sprouted a pair of horns from my head, or perhaps a tail. I was sure the only person they’d seen who could even come close to how I looked must have been Tobirama, but none would dare regard him the same way—at least not so openly.
A group of children came running by, a trail of giggles and laughter following after them, and I quickly moved out of their way. One of them stopped to stare up at me, mouth agape and eyes full of wonder and curiosity. I lowered my head and continued walking. I hadn’t felt so othered in…a long time. All the familiarity of the sensation came rushing back to me in one fell swoop and suddenly I felt like I was in middle school again.
This was a bad idea… I brooded to myself, chewing on the studs of the piercings in my lip. Were piercings even normal in this day and age? I remembered that one guy with the crazy tattoo on his head…but that did little to alleviate my worries. Everything about myself seemed to stand out in the wrong way here.
What am I doing…?
“Excuse me.”
I stopped in my tracks when someone blocked my path, looking up to find that they were speaking to me. His tied-back brown hair and angular features struck me as familiar, but I couldn’t quite place his name. It was hard to recognize anyone who wasn’t already somewhat significant to the depiction of this world that I knew from before.
“You look lost. Can I help you get somewhere?” the man offered.
“Oh, n-no, I’m sorry,” I stuttered with a small wave of my hands. “I’m not—uh, trying to get anywhere, really. Just…taking a walk.”
“Taking a walk through our compound?” he questioned with an arched brow.
I swallowed. Couldn’t have Hashirama warned the Uchiha that I would be staying around here before he ran off?
“S-sorry, I know I’m not—I’m not from here, I’m just—”
I floundered to find the words to explain myself. This was so fucked! How did those idiots expect me to do anything around here without being interrogated at every turn?
“I’m, uh…I’m under observation and Hashi—um…Hokage-sama placed me in Madara—Madara-sama’s care.” I tucked my hands together in front of me and leaned forward into a bow. “I’m sorry. Please excuse the intrusion.”
Well, this is a disaster, I griped internally. Remembering to use the proper titles and honourifics was going to be such a pain in the ass, at least while interacting with the general public. I hoped Hashirama, Tobirama, and Madara would continue to allow me the privilege to address them casually in their company. My situation was strange enough to excuse it at first, I thought, but they might start to get a little picky about it…
“...If Hokage-sama and Madara-sama have arranged for it, then you’re welcome here,” the man said after pregnant silence, bowing his head just enough to show respect. “Although, I will have to request more details from Hokage-sama so that I can ensure you’re handled properly in Madara-sama’s absence. He’s out on a mission and I am to assume his duties.”
“Oh.” I straightened myself to blink at him. He must be…? “Of course, thank you. I appreciate your hospitality.”
The man offered a small smile then and nodded.
“Hikaku Uchiha,” he introduced.
Ah, that made sense. I remembered this guy, though I couldn’t recall any particular details about him other than that he was described as being rather strong. That must have meant he was also high-ranking in the Uchiha clan, or at least in a position to assume Madara’s responsibilities in his absence.
“It’s nice to meet you…?”
“Malakai Nightingale,” I provided. I watched the confusion play over his face when he heard the name. Maybe I should find a different name to use around here… “I know it sounds strange… Like I said, I’m not from around here. You can just call me Kai.”
Hikaku hummed.
“I understand,” he said. “It’s nice to meet you, Kai-san. I’ll speak with Hokage-sama at once. In the meantime…I might suggest you stay within the walls of our compound until I have more information.”
“Of course. I won’t wander off,” I assured.
“Good. I’ll leave you to it then.”
Hikaku took his leave, and by that I meant that he more or less vanished from in front of my eyes. Shit, seeing that happen right in front of me was disorienting. I had to wonder if I would ever be able to do that if my chakra training produced any results…
I carried on with my little stroll around the Uchiha District, admiring the buildings and the decorations and the overall ambiance. There were paper lanterns and plants hanging from awnings, stepping stones that led through lush, green grass to stone-lined ponds of crystal clear water. It was all so…quaint and natural.
The buildings were shaped around the land rather than the other way around. I couldn’t remember ever seeing a place like this back in the real world. Er, my world, that is. This world was very much just as real, at least insofar as I had experienced it. It was just different. Pure, unbothered, unpolluted, and, most importantly, free from the coils of technology. This tiny little pocket of the earth was the most beautiful place I had ever laid eyes on.
Unfortunately, I couldn’t bring myself to approach anyone else in the compound. The fact that Hikaku had stopped to make conversation with me was a fluke. I just…wasn’t ready to put myself out there like that. There was still so much that I had to come to terms with before I could exist here with any sense of belonging.
Instead, I found myself back at Madara’s house, sitting on the edge of the deck around the perimeter where I could kick my feet over a koi pond in the back. The fish were a pleasant surprise and I couldn’t help but smile softly at the water as I watched them swim around, sometimes curiously poking their noses at the surface where my sandals dangled just above the water. It was calming and, best of all, hidden from the view of anyone else. I closed my eyes and tilted my face toward the sun.
It was still too quiet.
“Kai-san.”
My whole body jolted at the voice that was suddenly behind me, so much so that the sandal hanging off my foot flew off entirely and splashed into the pond. I stared at the ripples in the water in disbelief for a moment before tentatively looking over my shoulder to find the source of the voice. Hikaku had returned from his conference with Hashirama, it seemed. He also appeared just as taken aback by my skittish reaction as I was.
“...My apologies. I didn’t mean to startle you,” he said.
I released a sigh and stood up, careful to take my other sandal with me so that I could deposit it safely against the wall of the house.
“No, it’s okay. I was just…distracted.”
That and I had no way of “sensing” anyone around me like shinobi seemed to be able to do. If that weren’t a dead giveaway then I didn’t know what was. Hikaku cleared his throat.
“I spoke with Hokage-sama and he has informed me that your situation is classified in nature,” he said. I blinked at him. Classified? Why? “However, he advised that you are to be protected at all costs. Therefore, I’ll be assigning a rotation to guard and accompany you at all times.”
My expression fell clean off my face, leaving only a blank stare.
“You’re joking, right?” I asked none too hopefully. Hikaku tilted his head slightly.
“Not at all. Hokage-sama said you possess valuable information that must not be compromised,” he said. “So until Madara-sama returns, I am responsible for ensuring your safety. …Is that an issue for you?”
I closed my eyes and let out another long-suffering sigh, raising a hand to rub at my face. This just kept getting better and better. As if being the village freak weren’t bad enough, now I was being treated like a priceless artefact that needed a pair of eyes on it around the clock.
Damn you, Hashirama.
“No, I guess not. It just seems a little overkill. I mean, the village is supposed to be perfectly safe, right?”
“...In theory,” Hikaku said. “It’s still undergoing the beginning stages of its foundation, though, and our security measures are not impenetrable yet. Since you’re not a shinobi, it’s necessary to arrange a capable escort to attend you. I apologise for any inconvenience.”
“...It’s fine,” I said, rubbing at the back of my neck now. “Can I know who’s gonna be guarding me?”
“I’ve prepared a team to switch shifts throughout the day,” he explained. “For now, you’ll be attended by Chigiri Uchiha…” Hikaku closed his eyes and sighed as if the mere mention of this person was bothersome. “I’m…sorry for the vulgarity. It’s his chosen name. I can assure you he’s quite capable as a shinobi, though.”
I furrowed my brows, not understanding what he meant by that, but I didn’t have time to ask for clarification before another figure more or less materialised next to him, making me startle again (thankfully not enough to send me plunging into the lake behind me, though). The man—Chigiri, I presumed—that now stood next to Hikaku was tall, had feathered black hair that reached his shoulders, wore a loose yukata that showed more than enough of his chest, and…was quite handsome, to be perfectly candid. The smirk on his face and the half-lidded look in his eyes made me wonder if I already knew what Hikaku meant by his “chosen name”, though.
“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Kai-kun,” he greeted with a sultry lilt to his voice when he said my name.
Oh, so he’s a whore. Got it.
Withholding my lack of amusement from bleeding into my expression, I bowed my head in response.
“Nice to meet you. Thank you for…doing this,” I said through clenched teeth.
I would have to watch my mouth around this guy for different reasons altogether if I wanted to avoid sending mixed signals or possibly inflating what already appeared to be a ginormous ego.
“I’ll leave you to it. At nightfall, Chigiri-san will switch with the next rotation. If you need anything at all, just come find me,” Hikaku said.
With that, he turned to leave, but not without pinning Chigiri with a pointed look. Chigiri smiled and waved until Hikaku vanished from sight altogether, and then he redirected his attention back on me.
“So, Kai-kun, what are you plans for today?” he asked conversationally, leaning against the threshold of the doorway that led back inside Madara’s house.
I hesitated to answer, wondering if I shouldn’t use this opportunity to explore a little more now that I had a social buffer to hide behind.
“...Actually…could you do me a favour?” I asked. He quirked a brow at me with a curious little oho? I hurried to continue before he could get any ideas in his head. “I wanted to see if there’s any work I could do around here. I don’t have any money…so I was hoping I could do something to start supporting myself a little.”
Chigiri hummed in thought.
“A self-starter, I see. You’re pretty determined, aren’t you?” he mused.
I gave him an unamused look and crossed my arms over my chest.
“I don’t plan on just lounging around here while everyone does everything for me. I’m taking up too many resources as it is. Can you help me or not?”
Chigiri let out an amused whistle.
“Bossy, bossy.”
With a chuckle, he pushed off the door to stand up straight and nodded for me to follow him as he started walking toward the front of the house.
“I think I know a couple places that might be looking for a helping hand. Follow me.”
We left the Uchiha District and Chigiri led me back into the main hustle and bustle of the village. It was a little later in the afternoon now, but there was still plenty going on. We revisited a couple of the places Hashirama took me to before, and while the shopkeepers and merchants were more than happy to greet Chigiri, they suddenly became withdrawn the moment he mentioned that I was looking for work. We were met with a lot of “No, no, nothing here,” and “I can’t afford more help right now,” and even a couple, not-so-subtle “There’s no work here for you.”
By the time the sun was hanging low on the horizon, even Chigiri seemed to be getting a little irritated by the reactions we were getting from the locals. He clicked his tongue as we walked, a hand on his hip while the other gestured sharply in front of him.
“What’s wrong with all these people? It’s like they’ve never met a foreigner before,” he complained. I kept my eyes on the ground at my feet, arms tucked into the sleeves of my yukata.
“Well, to be fair, I don’t even look like most foreigners,” I muttered.
Today had been…rough, to put it lightly. After the gawking I received at the Uchiha compound and now the thinly veiled fear or outright hostility from the rest of the village, I couldn’t help but feel a little more drained than usual. I had thought that by at least offering to work, I could gain some level of trust or at the very least indifference rather than…this. I had never been subjected to this kind of treatment even at my lowest points. Most people in my life had upheld at least a little propriety on principle alone, but here it was the opposite. Most people didn’t feel the need to hold their punches.
“So what?” Chigiri said, keeping his eyes ahead despite the hint of a scowl on his face. “What’s that got to do with anything? Nobody looks the same. Everybody who lives here came from a different place. Damn hypocrites…”
I glanced over at him, wondering why he was getting so pressed on my behalf. It wasn’t as if he owed me his sympathy or compassion. In fact, the first thing I did upon meeting him was ask him for a favour, so, if anything, I owed him. Then again, maybe that was just my cynicism getting the better of me. I had to remind myself that some people were genuinely just kindhearted in nature. It was a little sad how that had become such an alien concept to me.
“...Let’s just call it a day,” I suggested. “Nobody’s gonna change their mind anytime soon and I could use some sleep.”
“Already?” Chigiri asked, looking over his shoulder at me with furrowed brows. “What are you, somebody’s grandpa? No way, you’re not turning in this early. All we’ve done is walk around the village all day.”
I sighed.
“I’m really tired—”
“Come on. Just let me take you to one place? I promise you won’t regret it.”
I pursed my lips as I looked up at his encouraging gaze with hesitance. I was already running on fumes emotionally and mentally, but…maybe it wouldn’t hurt to try to end the day on a slightly better note. If I went to bed now, I would undoubtedly dwell on all the rejection I encountered today and tear myself to pieces over it. Maybe, if I stayed out for just a little while longer, I could exhaust myself to the point that I wouldn’t even be able to stay awake long enough to linger on those thoughts.
“...Fine.”
Chigiri grinned.
“That’s the spirit! Come on. I know just what’ll cheer you up.”
I followed Chigiri to what appeared to be a rather nice restaurant and bar. It seemed vaguely familiar, but yet again I couldn’t recall the name. Nonetheless, we sat down in one of the wooden booths where someone soon came to take our orders. I didn’t miss the fact that the server only addressed Chigiri, but he was thoughtful enough to explain what kind of food was offered here since I couldn’t read the rudimentary menu pamphlet we were provided. We settled on a platter of charcoal-roasted yakitori and sake to drink. I had never had the opportunity to try sake before, so I was looking forward to that much, at least.
“So what do you think?” Chigiri asked once the server had left to fulfil our order. I glanced around the establishment to observe the atmosphere, fiddling with my hands under the table.
“It’s…nice,” was all I could think to say. “Why did you choose this place?”
“Hmm? Well, I always come here to decompress after a long day,” Chigiri said, leaning back with his arms propped up along his seat. “I figured you could use something like that.”
“So…you’re saying this isn’t secretly a date and you haven’t been flirting with me all day?” I questioned with an accusatory look. Chigiri’s eyes widened as a red flush crept up his neck.
“W-wha— No! Well, I—”
Laughter bubbled out of my throat before I could stop it as he stuttered through an attempt to find an excuse.
“I’m just kidding,” I assured, “but if that were the case, I’m afraid you’re gonna have to step up your game. I barely know you.”
Arching a brow at him, I couldn’t help but find his flustering just the slightest bit endearing. I wasn’t expecting someone like him to flounder under a forward approach when he was so forward himself.
“It’s nothing like that… I mean, maybe a little…” Chigiri closed his eyes with a small, self-conscious chuckle. “I won’t lie and say I don’t find you attractive, but I didn’t expect you to go along with anything. I was just having fun being around you.”
Now that he had admitted to it, I felt my own confidence shrivel a little. It was one thing to tease, but to find out it was true? It was…unexpected, to say the least. I didn’t think anyone would be so forthcoming about that sort of inclination. He was aware of my pronouns, so I couldn’t chalk it up to a mistaken heterosexual attraction, but that didn’t mean his intentions were wholly respectful. I had had one too many bad experiences with fetishists to accept anyone’s attraction without a healthy dose of scepticism. I lowered my eyes to the table between us.
“...Don’t take this the wrong way, but you should probably look elsewhere. I’m not… Now just isn’t a good time.”
I let the implications of that statement hang in the air. Romantic relationships were a struggle for me on a normal day, let alone now, after everything that had transpired in such a short amount of time. I wasn’t looking, nor was I particularly interested in pursuing something like that when I had more important things that demanded my time, energy, and attention. I couldn’t even begin to think about what the future would hold for me when right now was still a mystery. There was so much I still had to figure out…so much that Hashirama and the others expected from me, so much to learn, so much—
“Hey.” Chigiri leaned forward, the carefree look on his face replaced by a more serious expression. “I didn’t mean anything by it. Like I said, I was just having fun.”
I simply nodded at that, only taking a small portion of relief from his words. He rested an arm on the table, propping up his chin on his hand.
“You think too much, don’t you?”
“...Yeah,” I agreed, breathing a half-amused huff through my nose. “I can’t turn it off sometimes. It kinda sucks.”
“Well, try to think about something else,” Chigiri suggested before humming in thought. “I guess I can’t ask about the classified reason you’re here… How about you tell me about your name? Ma-ra-kai. It sounds cool. What does it mean?”
At least that was something I could talk about without spiralling too much.
“Well… I don’t remember the root language or anything, but it means ‘messenger of God’. Or something like that, anyway,” I said, smiling a little. “I’m not really religious, but I guess I’ve always had something of a god complex.”
Chigiri raised his brows, returning a smile of his own.
“Oh, is that so? Chasing dreams of power and grandeur?”
I laughed.
“When you say it like that, it sounds a little over the top,” I said. “No, I just…wanted to be acknowledged. I wanted to be seen and heard. I wanted my voice to matter. Now it matters more than I ever wanted it to…”
Huh. Maybe I could spiral while talking about my name after all.
“Well, mission accomplished,” Chigiri said. “I didn’t choose my name because I wanted to be something different. I just wanted my name to be mine. After my parents died, I didn’t really see much point in keeping the one they gave me.”
The smile slipped off my face in the blink of an eye.
“Oh…I’m sorry—”
“Don’t be,” he interrupted, waving a dismissive hand. “It was a long time ago when the clans were still fighting each other for stupid reasons. My father was kind of an asshole and my mother only put up with me to the extent that I fought well enough to meet her standards. Good riddance, if you ask me. They wouldn’t have lasted a day in a peaceful place like this.”
That was…an interesting take, I supposed. I had almost forgotten what era I was living in right now, where war and bloodshed had only recently come to an end, and only on the surface. I had to imagine that everyone living here now had lost someone, perhaps whole families. That kind of grief must be so commonplace that, instead of dealing with it, everyone just…moved on. I was sure that being raised by such a tight-knit clan had something to do with it, too. Chigiri wasn’t just abandoned after his parents died. Still…
Suddenly I thought of what my mother must have been going through right now. There were too many variables to consider it with any ounce of realism, but if time passed the same back in my world as it did here, would she have found me by now? Was my body even still there? If I had just gone missing with nothing but that note left behind, would she have gone looking for me? Was she worried? Was she grieving? Did she even know?
Spiralling. It came so easy. Even Chigiri’s best attempts to distract me were falling through. I was too unstable to be here right now. I had to go, I had to get out, I had to leave—
The server returned with our food and drinks then. The dull chatter around us was too loud. There were too many people even though the restaurant was nearly empty. The collar of my shirt was too tight around my throat. I couldn’t control my breathing.
“Hey. Kai-kun? Are you okay?”
No. No, I’m not okay. None of this is okay. I’m losing my mind. I’m dead. I have to be dead. None of this is real. None of this can be real. What’s happening to me? Why is this happening to me?
“Kai?”
I didn’t see him move, but all of a sudden Chigiri was in the booth beside me, strong arms wrapped tightly around my shoulders. Warm, solid, real. I stared into the grain of the wood on the table as if I could find answers there. I knew I wouldn’t, but I couldn’t tear my eyes away, either. My breath was too loud in my ears. Too loud, too loud, too loud.
Breathe. Just breathe.
The voice wasn’t mine or Chigiri’s. I didn’t know where it came from, but it sounded familiar. Safe. Chigiri’s arms kept me grounded and the voice pierced through the buzzing all around me.
We’re here. Just breathe.
I forced myself to take deeper, slower breaths. In…out. Focus.
My face felt wet. As the onset of panic subsided, it gave way to shame. What the hell was wrong with me? Everything was fine—I was fine—and then suddenly it wasn’t. I should have been able to control my thoughts better, keep my emotions in check. I had gone through this so many times before. I knew better than this. Why did I let myself slip?
I already knew the answer to that, though. I wasn’t ignorant to the effect these recent events had had on my mental health. I was no psychologist, but even I could surmise that killing myself and then waking up in a place like this would destroy any progress I could claim to have made over the years. I mean, I clearly hadn’t made much progress considering the way things turned out, but that was besides the point. This was just…pathetic.
“Hey. You with me?”
I blinked my vision back into focus through the tears in my eyes. Chigiri still held me against him and I could see the look of concern on his face in my peripheral. I closed my eyes again, willing away the numbness in my lips and cheeks.
“...I’m sorry,” I mumbled. “I’m sorry, I—I don’t know what—”
“Hey, it’s okay. It’s okay,” he assured, rubbing my shoulder. “You don’t have to apologise. It’s probably my fault, anyway. I shouldn’t talk about things like that so casually.”
Was that the reason? It made sense, I supposed. The sheer force of cognitive association was crippling sometimes. Given the state I was in, even the smallest aside could trigger a breakdown. I hadn’t realised just how fragile my state of mind was until just now. The initial overwhelm notwithstanding, I’d been walking a very fine line since the moment Madara dragged me out of that lake.
“...Do you want me to let go?” Chigiri asked. I thought about it for a moment, but the second his grip began to loosen, I shook my head.
“I just—... I need a minute.”
He held me for several more minutes, actually, because I was a liar and a sham. I kept my eyes closed all the while, reluctant to look around and see all the judgemental faces that were undoubtedly pointed in our direction right now. Instead, I forced myself to talk about what just happened.
“...How did you—? I mean, why…”
“How did I know what to do?” Chigiri finished helpfully, his thumb still rubbing against my shoulder. I nodded. “One of my cousins is the same way. After we settled down here, it took her a long time to…adjust. We’ve all seen and done horrible things. Sometimes she looks at the people from other clans we’ve fought and she just…can’t handle it. I found out she calms down quicker when someone is holding her. She says if not, it feels like she’s just floating with nothing to catch her if she falls. Is it the same for you?”
“...Yeah, actually. I think so,” I said.
I had never really thought about it before, considering I’d never had anyone there to test the theory when I had a panic attack, but now that it was happening…it did help. It helped a lot.
“...Thank you.”
“It’s no problem.”
Finally, I opened my eyes and took a shuddering breath. Our plate of yakitori and bottle of sake lay untouched on the table. Looking at it now made me feel a little sick to the stomach. I sighed.
“...You should eat some of that so it doesn’t go to waste,” I suggested. Chigiri slowly removed his arms from around my shoulders, glancing at me out of the corner of his eye.
“Want me to get you some water?”
“...That would be good.”
He carefully got up from the booth to flag down the bartender. I slumped against the wall of the booth, trying not to slip back into the throes of shame. I wondered about the voice that I heard, and the voice from before.
We’re here.
That had sounded just like…
Chigiri soon returned with a glass of water, taking a seat beside me again instead of across the table. I found that I didn’t mind the proximity too much. Perhaps I had misjudged him at first. Even though he had admitted to having some ulterior motives, he had at least proven himself capable of restraint and…he was a good friend. We barely knew each other—in fact, he didn’t know anything about me beyond my name—and yet he still treated me like…one of his own. How strange…
I sipped at the water while Chigiri ate, grateful that he was willing to carry the conversation with lighter topics. He told me about his latest mission that involved driving out a group of bandits from Konohagakure’s forests that were sabotaging their hunting parties. He talked about how annoying the Hyuga were with their snide remarks and elitist attitudes. He talked about everything and anything and nothing at all.
By the time he was halfway through the bottle of sake, he had convinced me to eat at least one skewer of yakitori. It was surprisingly good for just being grilled chicken. After that he walked me back to the Uchiha District, the sun having set and the streets relatively quiet. I was tired—beyond exhausted, really—and full. Between the hearty meal Hashirama had prepared and the yakitori, I was more than satiated for the day.
We were met at the gates to the compound by another figure who seemed to materialise from the shadows. She had short, straight black hair and a piercing gaze and she wore what I recognized as an ANBU uniform.
“Shirayuki,” Chigiri greeted her with a nod of his head. “I’ll leave Kai-kun in your capable hands for the night. Make sure to tuck him in for me, will you?”
“Try not to be so late for the shift change next time, Chigiri,” she snapped in response. He took the jab with grace, shrugging his shoulders with an unbothered sigh.
“What can I say? We were having too much fun. Don’t be jealous~”
Shirayuki said nothing, waiting in silence for Chigiri to make himself scarce. He turned to me as he lifted a hand to wave.
“See you around, Kai-kun.”
He walked leisurely past the other Uchiha into the walls of the compound, leaving me alone with this rather…intimidating woman who seemed to stare straight through me.
“Will you be retiring for the night?” she asked, straight and to the point. I nodded.
“Uh, yes. Thank you.”
She stepped aside to allow me into the compound before her and followed me toward Madara’s house. As I opened the door, she lingered outside.
“I’ll be keeping watch from out here. Don’t try anything.”
I swallowed, feeling as though she had caught me red-handed despite having no intentions of “trying anything”, as she put it.
“...Right.”
I closed the door behind me, pausing to take a deep breath and letting it out slowly. I couldn’t remember the last time I had been so bone-tired. I dragged myself through the house until I found my way to what appeared to be a bedroom. I wasn’t sure if this were a guest bedroom or Madara’s, but I didn’t care enough to worry about it at the moment. I tucked myself behind the partition in the corner of the room to undress and remove my binding wraps. I didn’t realise how sore my chest was until I took them off, grimacing down at the reddened marks they left behind in the soft candlelight. That was no good…
It wasn’t as if I had much of a choice, though. Had I known this was what awaited me on the other side, maybe I would have packed better.
I shook those thoughts from my head. Better not to start down that rocky road again. I found where Hashirama must have come to deposit the clothes he said he would bring and picked out a simple beige yukata to slip on before crawling into the raised futon in the middle of the room. As soon as my head hit the pillows, I felt unconsciousness take me under.
That night I dreamt of reuniting with my soulbonds and I cried in my sleep.